Photo By: @toriesmith.inspire
The narrative that I inevitably ended up having to “heal” from was never my narrative to begin with. Growing up I personally had so much fun, so much freedom, my friends were my life and my liberation. I came and went as I pleased, I spent most of my time at the beach, at the river and at the desert. My life was filled with fun, laughter and play.
The judgment and tension that existed within the environment in which I grew up, still didn’t really affect me that much, it made me not want to be there and so I wasn’t, often.
But I never truly felt that my behavior or the things that I was doing were “bad”. I was simply following my intuition and the journey in which God intended me to experience.
My mom’s perspective of my life/behavior however was different and she became worried, even though I wasn’t.
I personally never felt out of control, contrary to her perspective. She put me in therapy out of her own fear and that experience led me to create a victim narrative that was justifiable for her, while allowing myself to continue to live my life the way I saw fit.
Going to therapy was the first time that I ever started to even think that there was something wrong with me. This new idea quickly became a belief as I attended weekly sessions, coupled with my new victim narrative that justified my behavior, soon I was experiencing internal struggle that never existed, which quickly manifested into external behavior that also never existed before.
I started behaving and treating people (mostly men) in a way that I never had, treating myself in a way that I never had, and eventually I had to “heal” the limiting belief that there was something wrong with me, release this victim narrative that I had created to make her feel better and forgive myself for all of the behavior that ensued.
I found so much liberation, gratitude and relief in the clarity of understanding how these experiences unfolded. The Universe is constructed of mathematical equations and nothing is random, so to be able to see clearly where things shifted, it allowed me to pinpoint and release the things that were not actually about me.
I really love that not at any point during this realization did I have any ill feeling towards my mom; she did her best, her perspective was her truth and it served the grand plan. I needed to experience what I experienced in order to see my own power, to discover who I truly am at the core, to transmute the density and to understand how to release victim programming, which is, according to my Gene Keyes, my evolutionary purpose and contribution here.
Clarity around the eating disorder I tug of warred with for almost a decade soon followed… because to be quite honest it never felt personal, it never actually felt like it was about me. It was like I was purging the programming I was interacting with and consuming at that moment in time, programming in which my being refused to digest.
All food at that moment in time didn’t feel safe and therefore I would rather eat nothing. When I was 16 years old I started shopping at Trader Joe’s for myself and I had no problem eating. Damn, I had been experiencing fear around the food that was being produced and packaged, and again I had believed that there was something wrong with me, when in reality I was very in tune with the fact that there was something wrong with the quality of food.
Growing up, I didn’t even know what intuition was, mentally it wasn’t something that I had an awareness of and clearly wasn’t factoring in, when trying to understand my own behavior and “feelings”.
The mindset at the time was right vs wrong, good vs bad, but we don’t live in the black and white, we live in the color. Even thought I was consciously unaware of intuitions role, I will say that unknowingly being tapped into mine, is how I’d been so blessed. I was never an intellectual thinker growing up, I always followed the fun, the love and it served me well.
So as I entered this realm of “healing” and psychology I began to see how my intuition and unawareness had actually aligned me with high vibrational love frequency, it wasn’t until I was told to sit down and think about why I did things that pain and judgement seeped in and began to take hold, interacting with my new limiting belief and victim narrative.
I understand why my mom thought that therapy would be helpful, I remember her being so frustrated trying to communicate with me, because my answer for most things was “I don’t know”, where today, “I don’t know” is where I love to be, it’s where the magic exists, it’s where God exists.
Today I truly feel how the value of the full circle experience. I have returned to my childlike state attuned to God frequency, intuitively following the fun and the love but now with awareness, with a conscious knowing of self and with the capacity to communicate my experiences. It’s a wild magical world we live in and an incredible time to be alive!